A Family Therapists Point of View

Since the last time I wrote, much has happened.  Not only personally and professionally, but globally. I would like to reflect on these last two years of this pandemic from a therapists point of view.  I work through my private practice but also as an online counselor in NY.  So I have spoken with people from all over NYS before March of 2020 which was wonderful. People from the cities, the Adirondacks and the other parts of NY that are not so well known.  So when March of 2020 came I had some on line clients that had been with me and others that I would meet soon.  At first it was quiet, not many new clients coming in and my regulars were quiet too.  That only lasted about 2 weeks. It seemed like people needed to get a slight handle on things. What was going on. Stay home from work, work from home. The first few clients came in struggling with what was going on. I did not have any more information for them. I was in the dark too. The majority of these clie...

What do you do when you have a big decision on your plate? How do you make the right choice? Pros and cons lists. Ok. Talking it out seriously with your partner. Ok. But what if you're really stuck? I'm interested to hear how others work through these situations.  Please share.

For many of these posts I use my own experiences. I, like many others, create expectations that can be unrealistic. I am then disappointed. Why do we do this to ourselves? Our children have expectations of how things could be, having a great action packed summer, only to find mom and/or dad have to work and they are stuck at home or with a sitter. We expect a trip to be so wonderful but it rains, there are delays getting there. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is our expectation based on perception or our perception based on our expectations?  Perception, according to thefreedictionary.co m, is " the representation of what is   perceived ; basic component in the formation of a concept. percept, perceptual experience. internal representation, mental representation, representation - a presentation to the mind in the form of an idea or image".  What? Is this saying that we create an image in our mind that we internalize as the truth?  So should we create our expectat...

Providing good care? What do I mean? In regards to? Well for me it is providing good care to my clients and my family. But how do I know what good care looks like? I guess for me it would be how I feel a client responds to our appointment. It would also be how I feel the appointment went. Am I comfortable with the conversation? Did a question cause a change in behavior?  Did my behavior change after our conversation? So many questions I could ask myself.                                                                                                           Questions. Always asking questions. I feel that if you don't ask questions you will never know. . . .Know how someone is feeling. Know what someone thinks about som...

In one of the groups that I facilitate, we talked about fear.  We approached it similarly as we would anxiety since anxiety is a component of fear. Merriam-Webster.com says that fear  in "the most general term and implies anxiety and usually loss of courage". Ok, I understand that, fear of the unknown, dread.   Psychologytoday.com says, when I google 'fear', is ".. f ear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger; it has strong roots in human evolution. If people didn’t feel fear, they couldn’t protect themselves from legitimate threats, which in the ancestral world frequently resulted in life-or-death consequences. In the modern world, individuals often fear situations where the stakes are much lower, but their body and brain still treat the threat as lethal". Ok, this makes even more sense to me, as in relation to fight or flight responses. Protecting ourselves in both definitions. I asked the group that I was facilitating their idea of fear ...

Last post I wrote about "Enjoying every moment".  How true.  Now that the weather is better, we have the opportunity to put this to action. People usually plan their family trips for the summer months, vacations and camping. It seems as if many times families make these plans because that's what other people do, not for the pure enjoyment. All the planning, booking, packing, etc adds stress that we, most likely, should be getting away from. Time schedules that need to be kept to complete all the tasks, or visits to families takes the fun away. How can we make this better? We may not be able to.  But, we can make weekends a nice time to bond with family, learn about each other, spend nice time together.  Have you seen the commercial with the little girl who asks if she is cute, so why are her parents spending all weekend cleaning and not spending time with her. This is a cute reminder that is true. Children want to have their parents around. They don't really care n...

Many people rush through life with this to do and that to do. But do they stop to "smell the roses"?  Life is short they say. It's not just that. So many times we jump from one thing to another with little thought. People react without thinking. This can lead to mistakes, but also can lead to missed opportunities.  Slow down! When was the last time you just sat and watched a dog run and play without distraction?  Laid in the grass and watched the clouds pass by? Enjoyed a long walk with someone special? If is fast and hard enough. People are anxious from it all. Take some time for yourself and slow down. Your body and mind will thank you!

Being a marriage and family therapist, this is something that is thought of often. Family can include anyone who means a great deal to another, who is supportive of that person, who you want to share your time with. This can mean actual family through blood, family that you created through friends, and sometimes we include our pets. We may not always like the family that we are born into, or we may not be given a chance to create a connection with our blood family. Some people may choose to have a family that they created as they may be far away from their blood family. Many many people think of their pet as family as they create a loving non-judgmental and happy environment. I think that family should be anyone who brings us joy, who supports us when we need support, backs us up when we need backing and don't judge us for our imperfections. We need to keep in mind, as they say, families come in all shapes and sizes. It is how we treat them that counts. Whether they be our true...

It has been months without a blog. No excuse, just didn't happen. Now on with it! What do I mean by 'spring, a time for new'?  Trees come back to life, flowers begin to bloom, many animals give birth to their young. This can also be a time to for people to take a look at themselves and see if they are the people that they wish to be. Are we doing what we want to do, acting the way we wish to act, being good members of our communities? For me, I see our lives as opportunities to learn, adapt, make change, and help others. Otherwise why? I'm not talking religion but just being a person. As people we are driven to survive, to replace ourselves by having children, be social beings and have relationships. Yes, this is a simplistic view but a view that is manageable and something we can live with, be happy and make a difference. At one time I wondered what would make me truly happy. Yes I had my family, friends, things I enjoyed but I was still missing something.  As ...

Are you someone who loves the changing leaves but hates the darker evenings and shorter days? The shorter days can bring on sadness for some and depression for others. Seasonal affective disorder can be brought on by shorter days, cloudy days and coldness. This sadness or depression  comes on every year at the same time and can go away same time each year. People can really struggle getting out of bed and being motivated and they may think but that is normal because "everybody is like that in fall or winter". According to the Mayo Clinic's website there are several types of seasonal affective disorder. Here is what I found. "In most cases, seasonal affective disorder symptoms appear during late fall or early winter and go away during the sunnier days of spring and summer. Less commonly, people with the opposite pattern have symptoms that begin in spring or summer. In either case, symptoms may start out mild and become more severe as the season progresses. Sign...

Personal accountability has been on my mind a lot lately. What I mean by it is, being accountable for our own actions, what we do and what we say.  It seems as if that has dwindled a bit lately.  How do we practice personal accountability in our own lives? The first thing that comes to mind is to admit when you do something, good or bad. Yes, even when we have done wrong, made a mistake, or was not able to do something we said we could. Admit your defeat. Admit your lack of knowledge. Admit when you are wrong. When you say you're sorry mean it. Reflect on it and learn from it. Just saying sorry can be seen as insincere if it is not sincere. People can tell by your actions, your voice or body language. The way that we learn and begin to change is by reflecting on it. Looking into ourselves and discovering who we are. Do you like what you see? People will appreciate it. Please share how you address personal accountability.  How do others respond to you when yo...

As a therapist and a mother, adjustments are never really easy, especially if they are difficult, such as a move to a new state or moving away to college. They have termed this 'homesickness'. Someone who does not know what it means or a translation could see it as sick of home. But in reality it is the saddness and anxiety we may feel when we are away from home and missing what is comfortable to us. People in general do not like change but change is part of our lives. How can we deal with it or make it more manageable? This can be tough. One thing we can do is to set up a new routine. Some colleges and even assisted living and nursing homes have the newcomers create a schedule that is visible to them so they can have something to look forward to and help stay on target.   Another thing is to make your new home your home. Have those things around you that make you feel good and bring you comfort. Pictures of friends and notes can be something that you have to look back o...

People always talk about motivation and that either they have it or they don't. What is it? The online dictionary says motivation is the reason or reasons one has for acting in a particular way. The second notation states that it is the general desire or willingness to do something. So why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be motivated? If it's a reason to act a particular way what does that have to do with being motivated to diet or study? It seems it is just a word that we have attached to these types of situations. Either way, how do we develop the drive to want to be better, to be thinner, to be stronger, or smarter? Similar to so many other things we need to have a positive attitude. A positive attitude is very powerful not only for ourselves but for those around us. When we think of something that we want and we attach positivity to it it seems more reachable. Negative thoughts and attitude actually can turn into feelings of hopelessness or impossibility. ...

Everyone at times find themselves lost in their life, feeling disconnected. Too much going on, busy schedules can distract us from our routine and we end up overlooking or missing plans. This can cause anxiety. What can we do to keep sane?? As we have talked about before, we have to take a moment for ourselves to regroup. Create a schedule, updating it when needed. Remember if we are not healthy ourselves we cannot do for anyone else.  Get a good night sleep. Eat well. Ask for help.

It has been a while since my last entry. I had thought of it often,  but may not have been in a place to share. So this becomes a lesson to myself, of course!!  Even though we may not do everything we need or want to do, if we keep it in our minds as a priority, eventually it will happen. This not only goes for hobbies or projects but our life in general. You may have dreamed as a kid to be a firefighter and 30 years later that still interests you. What's stopping you? There is a way to make it happen. You may make less money for a time, or not have the free time you're used to. Isn't that what we tell our kids...            You can be whatever you want!            Don't let anything get in you way                 of reaching for your goals!

Have you ever really thought about the impact you have on the people and world around you? Stop and think for a moment. if you weren't here, or born, what would be different? If you died tomorrow who would be effected? If you talk badly about someone else, the impact on them? It is amazing to think me, little ol' me, can make such change, good or bad. If we each recognized the impact we have could you imagine how that could change things???

Many people see depression as sadness. Depression can show itself in a variety of ways; lack of motivation, worry, loneliness, pain, lack of appetite or over eating. It can affect others around you in ways that you may not realize. Those people around you may not know how to act or help. What can you do to help someone who is depressed. Share with them that they can express themselves in writing, recommend sticking to a schedule, have them stay involved, include them, let them know the importance of a good night's sleep. These things are easier said than done.  With their lack of motivation having them get involved can be difficult. How can you help them? Being creative and expressing oneself were among the most helpful strategies for people. Music and writing were the main sources of comfort, excitement, “offloading” or relaxation for many. Be there for them. Encourage them to talk, includingto a therapist.

We are taught by our professors how important self care is to be able to maintain balance and wellness. This is something that we often forget about. We get so caught up in life, activities, getting the kids here or there, etc., that we forget to take care of ourselves. I remind my clients, in order to take care of others you have to be well. For some this could mean that if you were sick or not able to do your normal routine , others are directly affected by that and can cause them difficulties. This is the story for mothers, fathers and any other caregivers that are relied upon. So what is self care? It doesn't mean going to the hairdresser or getting your monthly massage and nails done. It can mean something as simple as taking 10 minutes to do something just for yourself and not think about the duties that are expected of you, or the terrible day that you just had. Take 15 minutes sit in a quiet relaxing spot and just listen to the birds or silence and breathe. Relax your sho...

When I began this blog I named it "Why therapy?" People ask themselves, why go to talk to someone that they don't know, how can they help me? It's not that you're talking to a stranger. You're talking with a trained professional that is looking at your situation differently then a family member or friend can. As a marriage and family therapist we look at the entire picture, all factors, that contribute to an individual and their situation. As an individual we may not realize the things that may be contributing to our anxiety, or our sadness, such as changes in life, whether they be a death in the family, change of job, tension in the household, or even something that could have happened many years ago. We influence those around us and they influence us as well, which can contribute to our situation. So why therapy? The time with a counselor provides you and your family a time to express your feelings, frustrations and things you may not be able to stay at ...

I found it very difficult to post this weekend due to the fact that a family friends 16 year old son passed away unexpectedly. It was a shock to everyone. How does a family get through that? It has really brought me to think a lot about my own family, of course, but of those families that could come to counseling One thing then I know & trust, based on experience is the power of group therapy. Sharing your story with others repeatedly is extremely helpful for you and others in the group. As I had heard through a grief and bereavement group that I attended, the facilitator shared that here in the US we do not talk about death. In other countries they may wear black, or an armband signifying that they have had a loss. People will come up to them and ask them about this person and they will have the opportunity to share. Here we never know what to say and many times can say the wrong thing. So the process of group therapy that deals with grief has shown to be very beneficial to thos...